An extract from my memoire.

Chapter One: Mutism.

Honestly, I don’t like it when people call me out for being quiet. So, what if I’m quiet? Personally, I dislike myself for not talking as much as other people do. But I also enjoy my quietness. It allows me to be aware of my surroundings. I don’t think I was always as mute as I am these days. I’d say I’d wonder about why this has happened, but that would be a lie. I’d have thought of a reply, and would have said it, then forget about acting on the task. Simply for one reason; I cannot remember the past. Not like other people can do, as I think back now, I can’t imagine what I was doing at certain ages, the only things I remember relate to the time around my mums illness. My mum died when I was 12 years old in 2012. Year 8 in Broadgreen School. I’m not certain but if I were a betting man, I’d bet that that event made me into more of a recluse and sent me down a path that has accumulated to where I am today. A close friend recently said to me that I couldn’t hold a conversation for 6 hours. I used to be able to, and I’m disappointed in myself that I no longer can. I haven’t seen that version of myself in a very very long time.

I enjoy listening to people talk about anything. I’m a great listener, or I try to be. I get told infrequently that I’m a good friend because I’m a good listener. It makes me happy to hear that since I want to be helpful, polite, and good mannered around people. I don’t know why people enjoy my company these days, since I’m such a shit communicator. Is it because I used to be a unique friend to people? And they want to keep me around to remind them of the old times? Or is it because they can’t get rid of me because they see that they’re the only ones I have in this world except Leo. Don’t worry to much about that little paranoia outburst guys if you’re reading this. I know you’re my ride and die mofuckas; it’s just my anxiety.

I guess to be honest at times I simply do not know what to say to the person I am engaged in a conversation with. It’s a problem and as I usually do with problems, I leave them to fester. Perhaps writing these memoirs will assist me in knowing what to say. Who knows? Not knowing what to say in situations has fucked me over many times. I’d probably have a girlfriend if I knew how to engage in conversation with the opposite sex. It’s a problem I’ve had all my life and I’m absolutely fed up of it. But it’s not just not knowing what to say to people, it’s the anxiety around people and the anxiety of me not wanting to come across as weird or a freak. I want to come across as a cool, chill guy that seems confident. Instead I feel at this time I come across as a unkempt depressive victim who is lonely and desperate. I forgot to add fat. Don’t forget my fatness. I guess you could say I have a deep insecurity of not wanting to be seen as wrong in the eyes of the person I am trying to engage with. I want to connect to people, but I need to realise that not everyone should be connected with. Some people you should not waste your own energy on. This is a fault that I need to work on and I am. A great close friend told me this.

Abstinance

Abstinence. I am going to stop smoking the wacky tabacco for three months. I'm not looking forward to the first month, because of withdrawal symptoms. I intend to carry out this duty to myself for several reasons; to show that I am capable of self restraint, to improve my mental health, to appease my friends and to overall get a better high when I do start smoking again, which will be only at weekends. I know that I have the power to stop myself from smoking it, i just haven't had a reason to do so before. My mental health has suffered because of this drug, there's no denying that. My closest friends believe that this will do me the world of good. And when I do start smoking again it'll be fresh and will actually affect me, unlike it does now.

I have began family therepy. The session was very interesting. The therapist was observing mine and my dads communications whilst asking us both questions. He asked about any problems that my father had about me, and asked me how I would describe my lifestyle. He then asked my father how he would describe my lifestyle. My dad made a comment about how he thinks that I might have autism/aspberges because of 3-4 different reasons. He only mentioned the one reason which was how if an older aged gentleman has a child with a woman the child is more likely to have autism. I laughed in shock when he brought it up. The therapist said that trauma in early childhood has similar symptoms of autism/asperges. I don't think i'm autistic..

I'm really not looking forward to withdrawal symptoms. It's gonna be a bitch because I've smoked every day for the past 3 years now. Every day. For three years. But to occupy myself I've bought the RPG Maker returns humble bundle which has me occupied from day to night creating maps, towns and villages. I love it. During my abstinence i plan on actually doing some real things, clean my act up kinda sorta shit ya know. It's about time that I get my shit together.

I'm going to get my shit together by stopping the weed for three months, stop getting takeaways and over comfort eating. Reducing my cigarette consumption to only at weekends with a drink, focusing on being happy with my sober self, and working on some real projects that are worth my time and energy.

Wacky Backy

Masta Rasta's

Afghani, Northern Lights, Presidential OG, Pineapple Express, Snoop's Dream, White Widow, Purple Haze, Moon rocks. In no particular order I want to try them all. I want to create my own strain, it would be for those who truly want their head bopped off. But I'd also have a more chillax option too. And I will sell it all in my coffee shop once it becomes legal here. Owning a coffee shop is my idea of ultimate joy. Something that I will imagine and hope for until the day it comes to reality. It would be the epitome of chillness. Along with recreational I would also advocate for my medical range of CBD strains. CBD is an amazing product that people really ought to know about.

It ain't all that good though

10% of regular cannabis users become dependent on it. You can develop a tolerance for it that 1 joint hardly affects you. Stopping cannabis will give you withdrawal symptoms, most notably heavy anxiety, followed up by mood swings and irritability. It's a bitch to deal with, and something that I don't particularly want to go through again. Some people think that weed gives people mental illnesses, but that's not entirely true. If you are already prone or at a higher risk to develop mental illnesses then smoking a lot of weed will speed up the development of your said mental illness. That's what happened to me, I smoked a shit tonne of weed and increased the development speed of my stress-induced psychosis. It doesn't help that I went through a trauma in my childhood.

Try it though, seriously.

Even despite the huge financial burden that I put myself through to support a habit such as mine, I have to recommend that everyone tries a joint at least once in their life; when they are in a good safe space where they feel comfortable, with people you feel comfortable around. Cannabis has given me so many good memories and feelings. Bursting out in laughter over nothing, forgetting about all your worries and as the song goes, "Don't worry - Be happy". Moderation is key though, if you can moderate your cannabis intake then you won't have any problems with it.