An extract from my memoire.

Chapter One: Mutism.

Honestly, I don’t like it when people call me out for being quiet. So, what if I’m quiet? Personally, I dislike myself for not talking as much as other people do. But I also enjoy my quietness. It allows me to be aware of my surroundings. I don’t think I was always as mute as I am these days. I’d say I’d wonder about why this has happened, but that would be a lie. I’d have thought of a reply, and would have said it, then forget about acting on the task. Simply for one reason; I cannot remember the past. Not like other people can do, as I think back now, I can’t imagine what I was doing at certain ages, the only things I remember relate to the time around my mums illness. My mum died when I was 12 years old in 2012. Year 8 in Broadgreen School. I’m not certain but if I were a betting man, I’d bet that that event made me into more of a recluse and sent me down a path that has accumulated to where I am today. A close friend recently said to me that I couldn’t hold a conversation for 6 hours. I used to be able to, and I’m disappointed in myself that I no longer can. I haven’t seen that version of myself in a very very long time.

I enjoy listening to people talk about anything. I’m a great listener, or I try to be. I get told infrequently that I’m a good friend because I’m a good listener. It makes me happy to hear that since I want to be helpful, polite, and good mannered around people. I don’t know why people enjoy my company these days, since I’m such a shit communicator. Is it because I used to be a unique friend to people? And they want to keep me around to remind them of the old times? Or is it because they can’t get rid of me because they see that they’re the only ones I have in this world except Leo. Don’t worry to much about that little paranoia outburst guys if you’re reading this. I know you’re my ride and die mofuckas; it’s just my anxiety.

I guess to be honest at times I simply do not know what to say to the person I am engaged in a conversation with. It’s a problem and as I usually do with problems, I leave them to fester. Perhaps writing these memoirs will assist me in knowing what to say. Who knows? Not knowing what to say in situations has fucked me over many times. I’d probably have a girlfriend if I knew how to engage in conversation with the opposite sex. It’s a problem I’ve had all my life and I’m absolutely fed up of it. But it’s not just not knowing what to say to people, it’s the anxiety around people and the anxiety of me not wanting to come across as weird or a freak. I want to come across as a cool, chill guy that seems confident. Instead I feel at this time I come across as a unkempt depressive victim who is lonely and desperate. I forgot to add fat. Don’t forget my fatness. I guess you could say I have a deep insecurity of not wanting to be seen as wrong in the eyes of the person I am trying to engage with. I want to connect to people, but I need to realise that not everyone should be connected with. Some people you should not waste your own energy on. This is a fault that I need to work on and I am. A great close friend told me this.

Abstinance

Abstinence. I am going to stop smoking the wacky tabacco for three months. I'm not looking forward to the first month, because of withdrawal symptoms. I intend to carry out this duty to myself for several reasons; to show that I am capable of self restraint, to improve my mental health, to appease my friends and to overall get a better high when I do start smoking again, which will be only at weekends. I know that I have the power to stop myself from smoking it, i just haven't had a reason to do so before. My mental health has suffered because of this drug, there's no denying that. My closest friends believe that this will do me the world of good. And when I do start smoking again it'll be fresh and will actually affect me, unlike it does now.

I have began family therepy. The session was very interesting. The therapist was observing mine and my dads communications whilst asking us both questions. He asked about any problems that my father had about me, and asked me how I would describe my lifestyle. He then asked my father how he would describe my lifestyle. My dad made a comment about how he thinks that I might have autism/aspberges because of 3-4 different reasons. He only mentioned the one reason which was how if an older aged gentleman has a child with a woman the child is more likely to have autism. I laughed in shock when he brought it up. The therapist said that trauma in early childhood has similar symptoms of autism/asperges. I don't think i'm autistic..

I'm really not looking forward to withdrawal symptoms. It's gonna be a bitch because I've smoked every day for the past 3 years now. Every day. For three years. But to occupy myself I've bought the RPG Maker returns humble bundle which has me occupied from day to night creating maps, towns and villages. I love it. During my abstinence i plan on actually doing some real things, clean my act up kinda sorta shit ya know. It's about time that I get my shit together.

I'm going to get my shit together by stopping the weed for three months, stop getting takeaways and over comfort eating. Reducing my cigarette consumption to only at weekends with a drink, focusing on being happy with my sober self, and working on some real projects that are worth my time and energy.

Wacky Backy

Masta Rasta's

Afghani, Northern Lights, Presidential OG, Pineapple Express, Snoop's Dream, White Widow, Purple Haze, Moon rocks. In no particular order I want to try them all. I want to create my own strain, it would be for those who truly want their head bopped off. But I'd also have a more chillax option too. And I will sell it all in my coffee shop once it becomes legal here. Owning a coffee shop is my idea of ultimate joy. Something that I will imagine and hope for until the day it comes to reality. It would be the epitome of chillness. Along with recreational I would also advocate for my medical range of CBD strains. CBD is an amazing product that people really ought to know about.

It ain't all that good though

10% of regular cannabis users become dependent on it. You can develop a tolerance for it that 1 joint hardly affects you. Stopping cannabis will give you withdrawal symptoms, most notably heavy anxiety, followed up by mood swings and irritability. It's a bitch to deal with, and something that I don't particularly want to go through again. Some people think that weed gives people mental illnesses, but that's not entirely true. If you are already prone or at a higher risk to develop mental illnesses then smoking a lot of weed will speed up the development of your said mental illness. That's what happened to me, I smoked a shit tonne of weed and increased the development speed of my stress-induced psychosis. It doesn't help that I went through a trauma in my childhood.

Try it though, seriously.

Even despite the huge financial burden that I put myself through to support a habit such as mine, I have to recommend that everyone tries a joint at least once in their life; when they are in a good safe space where they feel comfortable, with people you feel comfortable around. Cannabis has given me so many good memories and feelings. Bursting out in laughter over nothing, forgetting about all your worries and as the song goes, "Don't worry - Be happy". Moderation is key though, if you can moderate your cannabis intake then you won't have any problems with it. 

Just do it

If you want to achieve or complete something in our short life's then just go out and start doing it; start learning how to do it and do it. I have a uncanny ability to get shit done, but I am also extremely "lazy" and selective as to what I want to put my effort into. That is probably why I appear to be lazy, i just haven't found something to put my energy into, consistently. I used to make real money off of Minecraft when I was just a wee child. I used to put effort into learning python, I used to do different things.

I am going to start doing more things. I feel like cancelling my TV/media subscriptions (except spotify) because I feel like all I do is watch things. I am going to start learning Unreal Engine 4 again, I am going to begin learning python again, and I am going to go to the gym. I've recently bought the python humble bundle which has given me some good resources to begin python again. I am going to re watch and finish the unreal engine 4 tutorials I began but never finished.

I don't want to be stuck doing a job that I don't particularly actually like, or can't develop my full potential. I have some thinking to do as to what I want to do for a career, because right now I don't really know what I want to do. I have some ideas and a broad goal of what I want to achieve, but nothing specific. I want my own company; doing anything really, but I'd prefer it to be technology/game/software design related. To achieve this I need to build up my skills and develop a portfolio of what I' capable of.

I seriously need to start saving money. But i barely make any money at all so I need to get a better job. I will start putting even more effort into finding a job, but I'm not going to take a job like McDonald's. I have some dignity.

I need to do so many things in life but there's so little time. I need to live life to the fullest. And right now I am definitely not doing that. I can change but it has to be right now, this day, this moment.

Inspiration

I don't know what to write about, so I'm going to write about the things I could write about and hope this gives me inspiration at a later date. 

- My 18th Birthday extravaganza where a radiator was pulled off the wall, 2 cases of balloons were ordered and cocktails galore happened.

- Psychosis and how I became too anxious to leave my house, heard things that weren't real and thought I was a psychic.

- Why job searching and the dole is deeply flawed in our society.

- Me & Alcohol, a true love story. I could spend all night reminising about how drunk i've been on occasions.

- Me & the herb, where I practically became a personal baker for a client, and nearly began a baking empire.

- The sesh life, because i've been living in it for the past 3 years.

Love

Theresa May's love for wheat fields.

Love. Connection. Feelings. Something all of us need in life; but something not everyone will be able to experience. I have never been completely head over toes in love, but I've felt something close to it; so i think. It's hard to describe in words, it's a feeling. It's many feelings. It's running "through a field of wheat" and simultaneously getting stabbed in the heart. Love is cruel but love is love. Everyone should be able to love someone and have them love you back. Loving someone in a one directional flow isn't productive and only hurts and brings pain. We've all thought we've loved someone only to find out that they don't reciprocate your feelings. In that kind of situation you feel like you're fucked and can't stop questioning yourself as to why they don't. 

Relationships.

Love should be something that has developed over time, naturally and without interference. Not rushed into, with more than 2 people in the relationship so to speak. Not that I'm against polyamorous relationship's. I'd say I'm interested in them actually. Anyways, I feel that i flourish more and are more productive when I am in a relationship. I'm generally more happy and want to improve myself. I want to be the best person I could be for my significant other. Because when someone who likes me enough to want to be with me, I feel special and want to make them feel special too. When I'm out of a relationship I turn into a phat gobshite that is borderline depressed, borderline psychotic and quite lazy. I've been stuck in the gobshite phase for like 3 years now. Not to say I've not had any action for 3 years though hahaha. God I need to get out more and find someone that likes me. And that's my problem. I don't get out enough to meet these potential boyfriend or girlfriends. For me how I look along with my anxiety plays a huge part in "love". I thought I was fat when I had my last relationship, but look at me now; If i were to be swimming in the sea off Japan they'd come and start whale fishing for me.

Love for Country.

There's a different type of love too though. Love for your fellow bretherine, love of a sister or a brother. Or love for the country you love. I'd describe the difference between the types of loves as to where you would get stabbed on your body. Love for a significant other would be getting stabbed in the heart, but love for brother/sister would be in your back, and love for a friend would be stabbed in the stomach etc etc. They are all painful but only certain ones would kill you if the love were to be broken.

From a question i heard on a podcast.

What would I do if I were Prime Minister? 

First of all, let's forget brexit is even happening; I don't want to go down that rabbit hole today.

Police State? 

I would create a single national police force but give regional police commissioners the power to do what they think will work to reduce crime in their district, as long as it doesn't interfear with the national police guidelines. I would legalise weed, and have reviews into the scheduling of other narcotics with the view that regulation is better than criminalization. I would make every officer wear a bodycam to protect themselves and the public. I would also issue out more tazer training and tazers to more officers. I would give police the power to stop and search people that they suspect of committing or about to commit a crime. I would increase CCTV cameras and kit out the national police force with the latest equipment.
The police budget would obviously be increased to cope with all this. Cut the foreign aid budget by 100%. That outta free up aproximately £14billion. But replace it with a new system of aid for commonwealth countries that aren't that well off.

Hopes.

I would try to make our society generally a more safer place to be, a more liberal society where people look let the silly troubles that have them locked in the dark ages; issues such as racism, homophobia, and gender equality.
A culture inspired by science. A society that actually cares about people. Something that people would be proud to be a part of.
If i were Prime Minister I would launch a new emphasis on space exploration and colonization. I don't think enough is being done by our country, let alone the world in this matter.
I would invest a hell of a lot more in social services. A properly funded and staffed NHS is a priority and a neccesity. Decent end of life care for the elders of society or those unfortunate enough to an early departure from our world.
I would fund programs to give people something to do, not just programs for the youth but programs for adults and elders.

Teenagers and what to do with them.

I would give all 16 year olds, once they had finished their general education, the choice between 2 years of either: military service with a focus on education, and no live-combat, or an apprenticeship in any sector you want. Apprenticeships would also actually be worth it. I would pay apprenticeships £1 less than the national mininum wage instead of more than half.
At age 18 after either military service or an apprenticehip is up you would then have to choose between studying a degree at university that takes 3 years, joining the army, doing a higher level apprenticeship for 2 years, or a normal apprenticeship for 2 years. Once you have completed your option, you would then be free to do whatever you want, go on the dole if you become unemployed, go back to university.