Love

Theresa May's love for wheat fields.

Love. Connection. Feelings. Something all of us need in life; but something not everyone will be able to experience. I have never been completely head over toes in love, but I've felt something close to it; so i think. It's hard to describe in words, it's a feeling. It's many feelings. It's running "through a field of wheat" and simultaneously getting stabbed in the heart. Love is cruel but love is love. Everyone should be able to love someone and have them love you back. Loving someone in a one directional flow isn't productive and only hurts and brings pain. We've all thought we've loved someone only to find out that they don't reciprocate your feelings. In that kind of situation you feel like you're fucked and can't stop questioning yourself as to why they don't. 

Relationships.

Love should be something that has developed over time, naturally and without interference. Not rushed into, with more than 2 people in the relationship so to speak. Not that I'm against polyamorous relationship's. I'd say I'm interested in them actually. Anyways, I feel that i flourish more and are more productive when I am in a relationship. I'm generally more happy and want to improve myself. I want to be the best person I could be for my significant other. Because when someone who likes me enough to want to be with me, I feel special and want to make them feel special too. When I'm out of a relationship I turn into a phat gobshite that is borderline depressed, borderline psychotic and quite lazy. I've been stuck in the gobshite phase for like 3 years now. Not to say I've not had any action for 3 years though hahaha. God I need to get out more and find someone that likes me. And that's my problem. I don't get out enough to meet these potential boyfriend or girlfriends. For me how I look along with my anxiety plays a huge part in "love". I thought I was fat when I had my last relationship, but look at me now; If i were to be swimming in the sea off Japan they'd come and start whale fishing for me.

Love for Country.

There's a different type of love too though. Love for your fellow bretherine, love of a sister or a brother. Or love for the country you love. I'd describe the difference between the types of loves as to where you would get stabbed on your body. Love for a significant other would be getting stabbed in the heart, but love for brother/sister would be in your back, and love for a friend would be stabbed in the stomach etc etc. They are all painful but only certain ones would kill you if the love were to be broken.

Lost at sea with only promises, no life-line and no purpose.

Lost at Sea.

Let me start you with a quote I wrote back in November 2016. "I need to find ways to express myself better. These days I often find myself 'not knowing as much as i should have un the past.' I feel as if i've forgotten how to fully express myself and explain myself. I feel kind of lost" Almost three years later and this quote still speaks to me. I do not know how to express myself properly. I sometimes feel like I am this chaotic atom trapped, bouncing of the walls of its prison, just building up more energy before I blow. I've tried talking to a psychologist, and things did start to improve, but I no longer see my therapist.

A Life-line.

I have found joy in the little things in life. For those those that don't know me, I was the dishes in an independent Cafe at weekends; and sometimes throughout the week when I am needed. I live to serve people, I find the most joy in seeing other people happy. It makes me all warm & fuzzy on the inside. I've worked in the cafe for the past 4 days straight now, and that made me happy for different reasons. First one is that Im making some money, second reason was I was able to help someone who needed my help (taking a cover shift on short notice). I do throughly enjoy working at this cafe, the staff are amazing and the food is to die for. However it's not what I want to be doing long-term. Ideally I would be self employed creating games or anything else that made me some money. But this isn't an ideal world. 

Promises.

We all make promises that we can't keep, either intentionally or unintentionally. Why do we do this? It only brings pain and sadness to people. Why do people also keep falling for false promises? I'd honestly love an answer because all i've got right now is that you love them and you hope that it wont be a false promise. 

Purpose.

What is the purpose of Life? I don't have a bloody clue. But life is what you make of it, so you can define your own purpose. If you want to dedicate your life and purpose to what makes you happy then you should be able to. Free from discrinination, free from persucution, free from family obligations. If it weren't for family obligations I would have been starting University around now. But it's okay, i've got time to wait. Im still young.